16th
It’s just after half four in the morning. Classic quetiapine. Yesterday, near the end of the day I bought a case of Harp and drank 4 or 5 of them. Took my quetiapine and woke up and here I am. I must have woke up almost an hour ago, but from 3.30am onwards, my vision has been terrible. Very frustrating. This happens most times I take my meds. I can barely see the little characters on-screen. About to switch it off, and play with other things not on my PC. My Fiio, perhaps. And I checked: I can read words on paper (at least), so goodbye for now.
11am
My vision remained bad throughout two naps. I got up at half nine for definite. I notice today, that there’s a lot of novelty, that feeling of “fun” or enjoyment or interest lost in my life. The weather suits this: It’s damp and grey, but not raining: just cloudy with a cold damp, apathetic wind. On days like this one, and today, my response is to push all sorts of anything like entertainment away, and focus hard on the structure of things. I don’t think, then in terms of “I enjoy this” or not, but rather “this is, that isn’t”. As my zest or zeal for life isn’t – I don’t want to even entertain the notion of being entertained. I just want to get things done for the sake of adhering to the overall ideal. I want to clean, tidy. That’s because it needs done every day so it just has to be done. I can make enough enjoyment feeling in this specific aspect to stretch over the task like a thin film. Days like this are essential, and help with perspective.
The Humble Rock Dove 