The Humble Rock Dove

As a point of survival, and to distinguish me from surroundings or internal thoughts that are useless or detrimental, I’m constantly stepping outside myself, and re-evaluating, making mental note of whatever i notice about myself. Sorting what’s important to me eventually becomes “what’s relevant to this personal process I have grown” and then that becomes part of it too.

So this comes as the latest report on the back of the “huge calm”. I made a video in the peak of this. Two days ago, the experience of the day was “no sight, and only the experience of a force commited to keeping me CALM”. I thought it was “cool”, as I termed it.

So the next day, I had to lift furniture and my things, and all the other crap I’ve bought over the years, with my Dad. My dad is a professional agitator who never apologises but operates on an act of meekness and fake humility to re-achieve a state of trust, before smashing it to pieces on a stressline he’s found within me that is sure to cause the most destruction, emotionally. It’s mad, and fucked up, and sinful and disgusting as behaviour alone, not even as what it is with him: a character trait and part of his nature.

So this guy who works with samples off the seabed started off acting like a helpless old man who “couldn’t bear to touch mouldy coffee granules”. Then we moved a lot of heavy furniture and the vast majority of my belongings in decent, efficient timing. The lesson his behaviour over the years taught me, or rather, its effect was I realised that I was truly alone in my own world, and some men don’t have a spine and need handled instead of treated like many other individuals.

So if you heard me talk how I was talking to him you might have thought to yourself “why is he talking like that” I kept a firm barrier of joking and banter all over him, trying to manage a present urge not to get carried away by it myself and maintaining a great work ethic. For all our faults, we are not shy of work like this and i only stopped for something like 10 minutes after one of the last milestones was reached and it was time to get lunch.

It was a good day of work overall, with my dad. He even accepted my fiver pay (ha-ha) at the end. Then I had a different experience.

So my mind was to have 3 experience types in these two days, I haven’t had in a long time. First, calm. Next, slight hyperactivity and energy as we cleared the flat. The way the day ended, but, was a test.

I don’t know if it’s because the windows were open to a British Legion apparently getting their drink on, well before midday and going “WOOAAAH YEEEEAAAHH” and all that as if about football or some juicy “male-gossip”. But the fact is I started having “intrusive thoughts”. That I’d never had before.

Intrusive thoughts, if you haven’t had them before, are thoughts you don’t want to have, have no businesses having, and are generally ignored or dealt with. I found this annoying, of course (a normal reaction). It felt, to me, like the beer swillers at the legion had drunkenly decided to make a post-footie-match stroll into my head. The frustration was like one of them had “rearranged” my room after his 19th pint and stoking some old grugde against another persons belongings the way these people do. Especially abroad.

The conclusion here is pretty simple, I recognised them like they would recognise a team of taliban foreigners in turbans, and was able just to pick them out and put my own thoughts back. Job over.

But it WAS annoying, I’ll give me that. Next up: keeping my own mind. It can’t rightfully be inhabited by anything other than its relentless nature alluded to at the start here, anyway.