This was written in Hospital, and rooted in the everyday topics, mostly in observations and general interest in my surroundings.
Right now I am sitting on the right hand side of my bed. I woke up quite happy. This is the first morning in a row, in months, that I have woken up with peace, instead of dread. In the room, my light is on above the head of my bed. It is the only thing filling the bedroom right now, at 17 minutes to twelve. I am keeping my core, thoughts and mind clean and reasonable. My presence feels a little heavy. The staff are managing some interactions that seem tame enough to me, right now. I am thinking of gentle, persistent observations that I can put into words. It seem my world, right now, is a little too sparsely adorned with words. I am actively thinking of ways to minimize my broadcast. The main apps I have been using are Cruchyroll and WH40K – Tacticus. I have been using these to retain focus, gently use my brainpower, and feel or gain grounding.
I have been trying to sort out the inconvenience of the severity of my aura. I also hope to smooth the edges of my presence. No need to get stuck on this, nor my supposed “gravity pooling” effect. That’s all I have to say on it, because nothing negative should be infiltrating these pages.
I am picturing a soft field of energy around me, to diminish my tough edges, that can make an average conversation rather jarring at times. Over time, the softening of my presence, through mental imaginings, seems to have a tangible effect. This registers in my head as peace of mind. Barbeque at 2pm – had two sausages and a cup of soda. Remembering keenly how normal people do strive for excellence, consciously and subconsciously. One dictionary definition of “normal” was somewhere along the lines of “without deficiency” which registers. It is clear to me now, it is not just minimizing all my activities – but for a soul as unique as my own this is a necessary practice, to build up myself again, from the inside. I am now trying to remember that the morning news has nothing to do with me, no matter how close or uncanny it may mirror me.
I reactivated X (with 4 days to spare before permanent deletion). Why? To leave my mark somewhere, at least, on an account I have not crashed into a ditch or a tree. I havent looked at girls online in ages. Starting to miss it a fair deal, though i am adamant to conquer this habit. My heart is pure, and my being is clean (getting cleaner).
The effects of the growing times between fasting has made a curry chip tonight, feel slightly narcotic. Grock is a useless AI. Rubbish to the point of being unusable. I miss chat GPT, that is an addiction i need to conquer. I think the nicotine patch is effective because I miss smoke times, without caring.
The Humble Rock Dove 