I slept in til 9:30am today, which is rare. No “alarm clock” of sharp icicles of sheer terror to wake me up. Makes this morning unique. There was a clamour outside my window of people going to work or walking up the street. The temperature of these exchanges was mildly hot.
12:07pm – I am receiving lots of signals of love from somewhere. I am bewildered, and wondering if I really am deserving of such plenty of these such rays. The graphics card I ordered is absolutely huge. Far bigger than expected, so i’ll need a new PC case, at least. Hopefully, I won’t need much more than that to get it up and running, and then I can finally sell the 3070.
My soul feels torn and exposed. Vulnerable, shredded and frayed and free. Feathery. Id love to go a very long walk, but my soul in this state, is the signal to just remain indoors for the time being. It feels a little bit “off”, out there, today. Just a feeling, maybe. I still think, I should be doing all the various things I could be doing inside, first.
Just after 1pm: I really am doing my best in a whole load of areas, and succeeding in some, quite alright. My confidence builds back each time it becomes thwarted or obscured. This is good! Each new time I go down town, I must remember to radiate, rather than “pool”.
2pm: it’s time to clean, and it’s time to deep clean, mind, body, soul, and such things. And, as all reports on the matter confirm, and show: there is more than enough evidence to support the fact I need to go tee-total, near, or totally. Entirely.
3.23pm – I’m still receiving a deeply warming, sexually charged love feeling throughout myself. This has been happening all day now, and I wonder where from. Genuinely. As I looked at my whole figure in front of the mirror, getting out of the shower, I really do not think I am a bad looking guy, at all. I need to admit that to myself, no matter what the world tries to tell me through avoidance, ignorance and near-total rejection. My intermittent fasting really does seem to pay off after the few months I’ve been doing it.
3:45pm – I’ve been seriously meditating and reading little snippets of books, to see what my mind is able to retain, and going from there, focusing gradually, on longer sections over time. I have regained a fair bit of concentration on reading, but retaining information is another aspect to the reading that also needs strict attention in resolving.
4pm – My soul really does feel torn and worn, like the frayed threads along the edges of a silk sheet. I have not eaten today, so i’m pleased about that, because it’s an intentional challenge for myself. It definitely does not feel right gaming during the day. I went to log in to Total War Warhammer 3 and stopped myself. “At the right time, only,” I tell myself.
4:10pm – It definitely feels best following the guidance of my heart on the matter of staying off the internet, cleaning the floor, cleaning the bathroom, polishing surfaces, etc. I’m keeping solitary. I’m organising and reorganising everything. I may feel like a scaredy-cat, but somehow it feels right just to hide away by myself, from the outdoor world, for a time. Beep-beep at my window. Again. And there is something serious happening deep in my soul. Hidden. I don’t know what it is, exactly, as it hides from I, also.
4:24pm – Frayed edges aside, I feel whole and wholesome today, in and of myself. Though parallel to this, I feel small splashes and minor waves and tides of fear. The same type of fear I would get in mornings to wake me up. And i’m still following my heart, though, still, it beats to tell me to be still, to meditate, and observe, and resist the urge to continually broadcast.
4:51 – The rain is relentless today, and it breaks into chunks of storm, at times. It’s every bit as constant and randomly surging, as the love I’ve been feeling, all day.
The Humble Rock Dove 