Do I have a native personality? The answer is: yes, of course, definitely. But my primary function in this life, is as a vessel. My personality can “sit in the backseat”, as I call it, and lose control of myself, near entirely, handing over the odd instrument or piece of food for the forces at work, within me. The first time I realised I was, or had the potential to be totally a vessel, was my experiences with Xanax, where I would remember taking one, then another, and having no memory whatsoever what happened the other 10 or so (I try to tell myself). When I am on Xanax, I become aggressive and demonic – once, for two whole days, with my only memory being picking up a pair of slippers, in a shop, to buy. I get told stories then, and inquire for further details, which I wont go into here, but are evidence to me, that that is NOT me, and I have no memory of the behaviour at all.
If my possessions are to be witnessed as phenomena (which I insist they should be) and not expression, and certainly not expression of who I really am. This is just plain hurtful and untrue to say, but on the other hand, when I am possessed, during that possession, I like to have enough of me present to often get the host, or hosts, to make a record. I see it as something realer than real, like, I believe it’s one of the purposes I have in life, to prove to us that we can indeed do this, that these forces and entities DO really exist, and that if you know me well enough, you can see I’m out of character, or method acting. The truth really is: its me hosting entities. Skeptics will say I’m acting, or putting it on, which is fine, because I literally take the blame and/or credit accordingly, for “putting it on” rather than “having it dwell, and take the wheel, for a time”. If you decide to investigate me, my history, and this phenomenon, you should know this.
So yes, I am someone who plays host to cosmic entities, and gods, and has met demons and spirits, as well as vanquishing them. And yes, this really does leave me a casualty to these forces. I just see the down time, as where and when I need time to escape what I embodied, and often banish it. Enough time will coat it nicely in placidity, and my relatively gentle, meek, and soft, softly-strange personality gets its rightful time to reign.
The Humble Rock Dove 